When Your Pregnancy Makes You Feel like Alice, Tumbling Down The Rabbit Hole…

 In Pregnancy

I have always loved children but quite frankly, I did not know whether I wanted children of my own until I was, (medically speaking), a geriatric mother. I know, it sounds horrible, but being 35 is considered more at high risk for getting pregnant and fertility… Even if it proved to be the right time for me. With a bit more of experience of life under my belt, it helped to know what I was doing (or at least that was the idea!). Like the majority of new Mothers, I underestimated a lot of what comes with becoming a parent. It does not matter how mature (or ready) you think you are, Motherhood is a journey. And like all journeys, they are full of bumps and rainbows.

It is funny because until you actually decide you want to become a Mother and start actively trying to conceive… You do not even know if you can have children. This was not a certainty for me. I decided to embrace the journey with the idea of the ‘if” more than the “when”. This proved to help me enjoy the process more than being a struggle, as it is for so many of us.

The Journey Begins

The first time I fell pregnant very fast, and the first, few weeks (and the most delicate) were a breeze. No sickness whatsoever. But then, something went wrong. Nature has this incredible way of taking care of itself, and I had a miscarriage. I did not expect it at all because I treated my body and myself by the book. But sometimes shit hits the fan, and after 9 weeks, my first pregnancy was over.

It was hard because, as humans, we always try to find a reason or a fault, but sometimes… things just happen and you need to accept them for what they are. It happens to so many of us, but very few actually talk about it. In my experience, the hospital was great and offered me psychological support. I refused it because, despite all the tears, I knew I was going to be fine.

Stuff like this leaves you shaken and vulnerable to all kind of doubts though… “Am I going to get ever pregnant again? Is the baby going to be okay?” New thoughts I had not asked myself before the miscarriage, were now clouding my serenity.

A Change In Thought

I was incredibly lucky to fall pregnant again soon after. What happened had changed my attitude profoundly, and I took the second pregnancy far easier in my stride. I saw myself more like a little oven, rather than the mother of all mothers (like the first time). I lived my pregnancy in a peaceful, and very healthy way, I did everything until the very end AND I worked until I was 8 and a half months pregnant! And I was very active almost until the very end… (I still remember Carlo telling me off for running after the bus while heavily pregnant!).

Being pregnant is a precious moment in a woman’s life, but it’s not always that glamorous. When I found out I was pregnant, I remember feeling sick and weird… And my breasts were SO sensitive I could not even bear my hubby looking at them, let aside come anywhere near them! My sensitive boobs were part of the non-glamorous part… Another one was the change in my taste buds. I suffered from food aversion. This means that meat and bread that I generally loved, had no taste whatsoever. Honestly, eating some paper would have been the same…

Some smells also had a funny effect on me… In fact, the smell of coffee (that I ADORE), was a no-no when I was pregnant. Another one was having pains in parts you would not expect. Your growing baby makes space inside you and your organs end up squashed in funny places. This meant experiencing some nasty heartburn… especially towards the last period of the pregnancy.

Spiralling Down That Rabbit Hole

At the end of my 9th month, I felt bloated, tired, achy… Like a giant balloon! I wanted my body back and I was SUPER curious to meet our little one. Mixed emotions along with impatience is not a great recipe for keeping cool and composed. At the end of my 41st week, I was positively fed up with being pregnant (and of course, I could not wait to meet our little one!)

The staff hospital was great. I can tell you that midwives are amongst the strongest women there are, who took great care of me and Ethan. I did everything through the NHS and I am so grateful I did. No matter what you choose (Private or Public Healthcare)… You will always feel worried about your delivery, the aftercare, and your baby’s wellbeing. It is part of a different journey where you must learn to let go of control. And giving birth is the first step.

I do not want to scare you. Yes, we all know what the reward is at the end of this journey, but… We are not always honest with each other about what comes between having fun trying to conceive… and actually becoming a Mum. It is the biggest change I have experienced in the 40-odd years of my life. (including getting married and my Dad’s passing.)

Making It Out The Other Side (with a beautiful baby)

I have a candid approach towards Motherhood and I love being my Son’s Mum. But, I can also tell you that it is hard. All of a sudden, YOU become an adult. All of a sudden, you realise that you are responsible for the well-being of another human being. Changing nappies is only the beginning of a journey that will take you to your own discovery as a human being. Do I love it? Hell yes! Was I prepared for it! Hell no. Despite wanting a child, I had no clue and I still do not (on occasion)… Because as soon as I learn how to deal with some shit, things change.

This is life. And I embrace it with all my heart.

To find out some helpful tips (and a free checklist of the best hospital bag to pack), check out my ebook here! 


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